In preschool this week the topic is “Occupations”. Thing 3 learns about different jobs like librarian and police officer.  The teacher asked each child about their parents’ occupations.

Teacher: What is your mommy’s occupation?

Thing 3: She puts on a show.

Teacher: Oh, what kind of show?

Thing 3: A show for money.

Teacher: Really?! And who is the show for?

Thing 3: Daddy

He never ceases to amaze. Clearly Thing 3 has a very vivid imagination.

Today he had a new teacher in swim class. Considering how long it took him to feel comfortable with the last one, it was no surprise he was less than cooperative.

The new teacher cheerfully said, “Hi! What’s your name?”

Thing 3’s reply: “My name is Stinkpot.”

We were watching Backyardigans, having nothing to do with space travel, when out of the blue he offered this:

Thing 3: I want to go on another planet. I don’t like our planet. I want to go to Mars. Mars is good.

Me: Why is Mars good?

Thing 3: Because Mars is the best planet. Because it’s so red. Because it’s a ball.

Where on Earth, or Mars, does he get this stuff?

Naturally, as soon as they saw it, The Things wanted to ask Siri questions. When it was Thing 3’s turn, this is what he wanted to know.

Thing 3: How tall is a cracker?

Siri had trouble with that one. I can’t blame her. I struggle with his questions myself. Next question.

Thing 3: How is a Fruit By The Foot taller than milk?

I believe Siri has met its match.

Thing 3: Mommy, you don’t need to be afraid of me.  I’m not a monster!

SuburbanMommy: “It’s really crazy there”

Thing 2: “We like it crazy”

Indeed.

Thing 3: No.

Me: You eat a lot of healthy foods.

Thing 3: Like Lunchables?

In case you don’t know what Lunchables are, go here.

The next night the dreams came again, and this time he spent the remainder of the night on the floor in our room. At least we all could get a decent night sleep that way.

The next night, before bed, I had a long conversation with Thing 3 to try to ease his fears. I explained that dreams are not real, like watching TV. The way to stop a dream is to just wake up because then it’s gone. And I told him about the “magic” toys in his room that will protect him from dreams, something that worked well with Thing 2.

He wasn’t really buying it. Instead I got a barrage of questions as only Thing 3 can unleash. What are dreams? Where are they during the day? Why do dreams come when I sleep? Do you have dreams? How about animals?

The questioning went on like this for a good 10 minutes. Then he decided he couldn’t sleep in his room because dreams are hiding there, so he found a spot in the hallway just outside his doorway. He has been sleeping in this spot for a week now.

Apparently, that is not the case. SuburbanDaddy has become a source of laughter and joking at the expense of Things 1-3. Thing 4 is too young, but give her time, I’m sure she’ll join her brothers.

How do I get ridiculed by a seven, six, and especially four year old?

They make fun of my clothes: “Look at daddy’s socks! Ha ha. ” So what, I keep my dark socks on that I wore to work, when I come home and change into shorts. Changing socks would only create more laundry.

They make fun when I forget things, which is a lot these days. Lately, I can’t get their names straight. I often rattle through all three before getting the right one. “Get off your brother, Thing 2! I mean Thing 3! I mean Thing 1!” Instead of getting off, they just start laughing at me.

By far the worst abuse comes from Thing 3. He can completely crack himself up, hysterical laughter, just by saying something that is hilarious to an almost four year old.

“Daddy, you stink” will cause Thing 3 to laugh for ten minutes.

Then there is “Daddy, let me bop your coconut” which means he wants to hit me on the head with a soccer ball or golf club. Once he does, it’s very funny. Well, it is funny to him.

And there’s the latest one. We’ll be driving in the car, talking about ducks or clouds or firetrucks or whatever random thought catches his mind. Out of nowhere, Thing 3 will say:

“Hey Daddy! Daddy! ”

“Yes”

“You’re a joke”

We asked Thing 3 about his picture.

“What is this?”
Thing 3: “His hat”

“What are these?”
Thing 3: “His arms”

“And what is this?” (pointing to line at the bottom)
Thing 3: “That’s his penis”

“Frosty has a penis?”
Thing 3: “Yes, he’s a boy”

I guess I never thought about it.