I got one this week on the topic of Push Presents. If you aren’t familiar these are presents given to women after giving birth. I highly recommend that you give your wife a push present, especially if you are a first time expectant dad. This is definitely one of those cases where “no” really means “yes”, and “I don’t care” also means “yes”. Incidently, not being told about a desired push present is not an excuse for not getting one. As an expectant dad you don’t win. Get used to it.

Back to the PR pitch. It started by quoting a Babycenter.com survey that found 38% of new mothers received a push present and 55% of pregnant mothers wanted one. I feel really bad for the husbands of those 17% that wanted one but didn’t get a push present. Good luck with that.

Apparently the most popular form of push present is jewelry. Nothing surprising there. SuburbanMommy got some nice new jewelry a couple of times.

Instead of jewelry, why not give your wife her body back? With new mothers on average taking 3-4 months to lose all the baby weight, it can cause some frustrations. Additionally, it can be very difficult for new mothers to get back to the gym within the first few months as they are taking care of their newborn. For fathers who are looking for the best push present without diamonds, Premier Fitness Camp, a five star fitness resort, has created a special “Body Back” package which reflects a 30% savings off the original price. Starting at $4,550 for 7 days new mothers will receive the following treatment and be able to shed the baby weight fast.

First of all, if you are an expectant dad and planning to spend $4,550 on a push present, I strongly suggest you spend it on jewelry.

But more importantly, you do not give a pregnant or recently pregnant woman anything that may call attention to her weight, her body, or having anything to do with weight loss!

I might have some experience in these matters. I might have once given a Wii Fit to a pregnant woman for her birthday after she told me she wanted one. I might still be paying the consequences for that colossal mistake.

My kids are already well conditioned by brands and advertising. By the age of 3 they all knew Starbucks, McDonalds, and Target and ask for them by name. Except, of course, Thing 3 who defies any kind of conditioning and marches to his own beat. He absolutely loves Lucky Charms, at least we call them Lucky Charms, but in fact he will only eat the store brand “marshmallow oat cereal”. And trust me, he can tell the difference just by looking at the cereal in the bowl.

Then there is the dreaded stuff that has a million pieces which are scattered throughout the house by Thing 3 and Thing 4 and never to be found again, rendering the game/toy/puzzle useless. If you are one of our beloved friends or family who gave one of these gems, thanks, and expect payback someday when you have kids.

And while we’re on that subject, please, please don’t get us any more toys which make constant, loud, annoying, impossible to shut off, noises. These toys will have the batteries removed by the anti-Santa. Haven’t heard of him? He’s the guy who comes at night after the kids are asleep and removes batteries.

The worst part of all the new stuff each year is finding where to put all of it. It’s not like we had all this extra room a week ago. Drawers, shelves, and buckets are already filled to the brim with stuff. And now we have all this new stuff to find room for, most of which is crap, junk, broken, or forgotten already.

I’m considering a new “zero sum” Santa policy next year. For every present he gives he also takes an old one away of equal size. So you better be careful about how many things you ask for.

Come on, I know you all do the same thing.

Nearly a week after Halloween it’s pretty well picked over and most of the really good stuff is gone. Now it’s filled with these teeny, tiny, bite-sized candies that hardly qualify as candy.

When I was a kid, I remember getting full-sized candy bars for Halloween. Or at least ones that were more than a single bite.

Sure, I know there is a problem with child obesity today and kids eat too much junk food and are getting fat blah blah blah. And I know it’s touch economic times and people need to cut back.

But aren’t some traditions worth keeping?

Are we to feel sorry for these parents? News fllash: babies can’t read! I worry about how well these kids will fare in life having such gullible parents. I can just imagine when the kids are in high school…

Kid: “Mom, I need $100 for a school math project”
Parent: “Ok, sure”

Kid: “Dad, I need you to buy me some beer to conduct a science experiment for school”
Parent: “Ok, sure. Do you need any hard stuff?”

Just how many gullible parents are out there who think a DVD can change the course of human development and teach babies to read? Well, if this is any indication, the Your Baby Can Read Facebook Page has over 11,000 fans!

I have an idea. How about a DVD that teaches parents how to not spend money on worthless crap that claims will make your kid smarter? You can have it for only $14.99.

When I saw the instructions I knew immediately he’d have no chance to transform it. I dutifully started on step 1 of 28. It didn’t take long to realize this was no ordinary assembly.

I have successfully assembled hundreds of toys, bikes, cribs, and high chairs. I can install car seats.

As a kid I took stuff apart just to put it back together.

I have a degree in, of all things, mechanical engineering.

I write sophisticated computer programs for a living.

Yet, it took me 9 hours to transform Optimus Prime into a truck! Sort of… because the wheels still don’t lay flat.

Here is what it looked before and after:

The videos started out very low budget.  In the early ones you can see the operators hands working the toys.  Eventually, the company was bought by Disney and the new ones have more animated characters and video effects.  There was always an underlying premise, even if it wasn’t explicitly stated, that these videos were educational, or at least, that it was better for a child than other television shows.

Well, Baby Einstein has been in the news recently and it’s been causing a bit of a stir.  And you know how much SuburbanDaddy loves a good controversy :-)

Under pressure from parent activists, Disney issued an “upgrade” policy that allows anyone who purchased Baby Einstein DVD’s between 2004 and 2009, to exchange it for a book, music CD, or $15.99.

There are so many crazy parts to this I don’t know where to begin.  First, how could anyone really believe, despite what a marketing message may suggest, that watching these videos could somehow be educational or beneficial to a child?  I mean, is anyone really surprised by Disney’s implicit admission they may have misled consumers.  What?!!  A company trying to sell its products made them sound good?

Everyone knows watching television isn’t the best use of a baby’s time.  But we still do it because, while it may not be as educational as Baby Einstein would want us to believe, it also isn’t quite as harmful as activists warn.  Plus TV is very helpful when you need a few minutes of calm.  I know many kids who watched a lot of TV (me included) that turned into perfectly well adjusted, functioning members of society.

But this is what really gets me.  The videos, at least the early ones, are nothing more than recordings of actual baby toys.  So a baby is seeing the exact same thing as if they were sitting next to the toy, except the toy is on the television instead of in person.  I don’t hear anyone calling for removal of these toys.  It’s like saying watching football is ok in person, but if you watch the exact same game on a television, somehow that becomes harmful.

Where do you stand on this important matter?

The controversy is that a parent let his kid watch a movie 150 times, or that he’s somehow exploiting his kid by posting his video on YouTube. If that were the case, I’d be in big trouble considering how many videos I’ve posted of The Things. I like the video. Maybe the kid has a bright future as an actor.

As for watching a movie that many times, we are probably approaching 30-40 times Thing 3 has watched Toy Story 1 & 2. These days it’s the only thing that will stop his mega-tantrums. Am I giving in? Maybe. But let’s see what you do when you need to get 3 kids to school on time. It’s a small price to pay. And now, after seeing this video, I have more motivation. If we watch another hundred times, maybe I can film him reciting the lines, put it on YouTube, and start a controversy of my own.

Here’s the video so you can decide for yourself

A possible violation of the health code? There are plenty of other possible health code violations to worry about at a fast food restaurant. For example, there is our little adventure a couple of years ago that I’m still trying to forget.

He cries when he wakes up and wants to get out of his crib.

He cries because he wants a cup of milk.

He cries because he wants me to turn on his favorite show, The Backyardigans.

I mention “time to change your diaper” and he runs and hides.  He thinks this is very funny.  I play along for a minute, then pick him up and take him to the changing table.   Then he cries.

I let him run around in his diaper for a while, so he’ll stop crying.  He does, until it’s time to put his clothes on, and the run-hide-crying game starts again.

He cries when The Backyardigans is over, until I start a new one.

He cries when his milk cup is empty until I refill it.

He cries when I put his jacket on.

He cries when I put him in the car.  Until I turn on The Backyardigans on the DVD player.

And finally, when I drop him off at daycare, he cries when I leave the room.

Ah, weekday mornings.