At two years old, Thing 3 was using the computer himself, finding and opening the programs he liked using the mouse after watching me do it a few times. Now he breaks through the child protection lock on the office door, climbs up to the desk, and opens the MS Paint program and makes a drawing.

Thing 1 and 2 have been playing games and checking sports scores on my iPhone for years. They know how to take pictures and scroll through the albums.  I have found a picture of Thing 2’s butt on more than one occasion.

It took a month of serious practicing for me to finally beat Thing 1’s high score on Fall Down. They both routinely beat me at most Wii games and at 5 and 6 years old have figured out how to do things on the Wii I can’t follow. The ease with which they surpassed me was unnerving, considering I pride myself on being a bit of an expert having spent much of my youth playing Atari. Not to mention I happen to program computer software for a living.

This morning we were unsure if we needed to pack lunch for Thing 1’s field trip. While I debated making lunch just in case, he said: “Why don’t you just email the teachers and find out?”

And when he asks me a question I can’t answer, which is often, he says: “We can Google it.”

I suppose it’s the same as when I was a kid and my parents needed me to program the VCR.  So now I am the modern day equivalent of a VCR blinking 12:00.

Most stuff is pretty much the same, so far, with a girl as it was with the boys. I know this will change soon enough. But there have been some differences already.

Girls get a lot more gifts, especially clothes. We have already filled all her drawers and closet with clothes from family, friends, neighbors, and people we’ve never met before.

Girls don’t pee all over you and the wall when you change their diaper.

Girls need to have some pink on them at all times. Blankets, bibs, and clothes which are gender neutral colors like white or green or yellow, and were perfectly good for 3 boys, all need to be replaced with new ones which have pink on them.

What else am I in for with a girl?

I get the concept. Give kids an idea what their parents do all day. But that’s hardly what happened yesterday. Thing 1 had a day packed with fun activities and kids programs.

After a breakfast spread of cereals, fruit, and juice boxes, we had a kickoff speaker/pep rally for the hundreds of kids ages 6-12 that were attending.

Then the activities started. More than a dozen to choose from, I had pre-registered Thing 1 and me for five 45 minute sessions including an outdoor obstacle course and kickball, planting flowers for earth day, art projects, a scavenger hunt, and tour of the video studio. In between there was an all you can eat lunch buffett and ice cream party. Then a choice of two movies at the end of the day.

At no point did I engage in normal work day activities. I assure you a typical day for me does not include coloring. The kids did get to observe some work, I guess, if you count the people with no kids who were at their desks trying to work amidst the constant parade of kids asking which activity we’re doing next.

Since the arrival of Thing 4 I have had to up my multitasking game. Here I am one morning this week. I’m feeding Thing 4, with a bluetooth headseat in my ear so I can be on a conference call for work, while refereeing a game of dodgeball between Thing 1 and Thing 2.  What you can’t see in the picture is Thing 3 who is probably climbing on something he shouldn’t be.

Well, for starters, I certainly wouldn’t show up to work on time. I would go only when I felt like it. If I felt like it.

When I finally did get to work and walked into a meeting, late, I would immediately cause a huge uproar because someone was already sitting in the chair I wanted. When the other person refused to change seats, because they also were acting like a two year old, I would throw myself on the floor, face down, and cry for a good 5 minutes. Then I would be in the best mood ever and act as if the last 10 minutes never happened.

At lunch, I’d order my favorite meal which I would eat three times a day: ice cream. When I got the ice cream, I would get really, really mad because it was in the wrong kind of bowl. Which bowl would have been the right kind? Trick question. They are ALL the wrong kind.

On the weekend I would visit a friend’s house. When I got there, I would touch everything and climb on the furniture. I would go to their bedroom, dump out all the drawers, and change all the settings on their alarm clocks. Then I would take off my clothes and pee on the carpet. But my friend wouldn’t care, because he’d be doing the same thing.

When it was time to go home, I’d get in my car and drive on the wrong side of the street. Just because I felt like it. And, of course, I would have a piece of Tupperware on my head which I stole from my friend’s house.

Yes, life as a two year old would be pretty good.

I also sent Thing 3 with them. He is not quite at the point where he can be alone with his brothers and not cause trouble.

I know exactly how this situation will end up. Either Thing 3 will hit someone, mess up whatever game they are playing, or press all the buttons on the TV so the Wii doesn’t work.

I suppose, then, I am an accomplice to whatever he does. That’s something I’m willing to take because I really just need 5 minutes to eat breakfast.

Well, in the world of parenting, unfortunately, there are no sick days.

I’m entering day 3 of the worst cough, sore throat, headache, congestion you can imagine. Yesterday I was able to take a sick day at work.

But there was no sick day from parenting. I still had to get the Things dressed, fed, and take them to school. In the afternoon, I still had to do 3 separate art projects in 3 different classrooms as part of Parents Appreciation Week because I committed to it before I got sick. I still had to do a triple bath night, and a Lego project with Thing 3 I had promised him for Friday night because I wasn’t able to be at his Parents Appreciation event because the school scheduled all three at the same time.

Parents Appreciation Week? That’s when the preschool schedules a week’s worth of activities for you with your kids when they’d otherwise be far away at school.

Now today is Saturday and it’s more of the same. But it’s the weekend, you say? Time to get some rest?

In my world, there is another reality which is, There Is No Resting On Weekends.

Here is Thing 2’s work. First he took some pictures of himself. Then, after taking the one of me from the back, he tells Thing 1 he took a picture of daddy’s butt. They both break into laughter.

Thing 2 will definitely be that guy one day who sits on the copier to photocopy his butt.

Now, there is talk of a safety concern about Zhu Zhu Pets.  And there is even a rumor that there may be a recall of Zhu Zhu Pets soon.  Right before Christmas!

Well, SuburbanDaddy has his own theory about this brewing scandal.  You know how I love a good controversy or conspiracy theory.

We all know how crazed parents can get during the holidays, trying to find a sold out toy to give their kids for Christmas or Hanukkah.  Politely give up your parking space at the toy store?  Are you kidding?  That’s one more person who will get to the toys before you.  There was a movie made about just this scenario with Arnold Schwarzenegger called Jingle All The Way.

That’s why I’m thinking there is a crazed parent behind all this talk of a recall and unsafe toys.  What better way for a parent to be able to find a Zhu Zhu Pet than to start a rumor about a recall?  All of a sudden there will be parents trying to unload their toys before Christmas faster than the executives at Enron dumped their company stock.

It’s brilliant.

The videos started out very low budget.  In the early ones you can see the operators hands working the toys.  Eventually, the company was bought by Disney and the new ones have more animated characters and video effects.  There was always an underlying premise, even if it wasn’t explicitly stated, that these videos were educational, or at least, that it was better for a child than other television shows.

Well, Baby Einstein has been in the news recently and it’s been causing a bit of a stir.  And you know how much SuburbanDaddy loves a good controversy :-)

Under pressure from parent activists, Disney issued an “upgrade” policy that allows anyone who purchased Baby Einstein DVD’s between 2004 and 2009, to exchange it for a book, music CD, or $15.99.

There are so many crazy parts to this I don’t know where to begin.  First, how could anyone really believe, despite what a marketing message may suggest, that watching these videos could somehow be educational or beneficial to a child?  I mean, is anyone really surprised by Disney’s implicit admission they may have misled consumers.  What?!!  A company trying to sell its products made them sound good?

Everyone knows watching television isn’t the best use of a baby’s time.  But we still do it because, while it may not be as educational as Baby Einstein would want us to believe, it also isn’t quite as harmful as activists warn.  Plus TV is very helpful when you need a few minutes of calm.  I know many kids who watched a lot of TV (me included) that turned into perfectly well adjusted, functioning members of society.

But this is what really gets me.  The videos, at least the early ones, are nothing more than recordings of actual baby toys.  So a baby is seeing the exact same thing as if they were sitting next to the toy, except the toy is on the television instead of in person.  I don’t hear anyone calling for removal of these toys.  It’s like saying watching football is ok in person, but if you watch the exact same game on a television, somehow that becomes harmful.

Where do you stand on this important matter?