I got one this week on the topic of Push Presents. If you aren’t familiar these are presents given to women after giving birth. I highly recommend that you give your wife a push present, especially if you are a first time expectant dad. This is definitely one of those cases where “no” really means “yes”, and “I don’t care” also means “yes”. Incidently, not being told about a desired push present is not an excuse for not getting one. As an expectant dad you don’t win. Get used to it.

Back to the PR pitch. It started by quoting a Babycenter.com survey that found 38% of new mothers received a push present and 55% of pregnant mothers wanted one. I feel really bad for the husbands of those 17% that wanted one but didn’t get a push present. Good luck with that.

Apparently the most popular form of push present is jewelry. Nothing surprising there. SuburbanMommy got some nice new jewelry a couple of times.

Instead of jewelry, why not give your wife her body back? With new mothers on average taking 3-4 months to lose all the baby weight, it can cause some frustrations. Additionally, it can be very difficult for new mothers to get back to the gym within the first few months as they are taking care of their newborn. For fathers who are looking for the best push present without diamonds, Premier Fitness Camp, a five star fitness resort, has created a special “Body Back” package which reflects a 30% savings off the original price. Starting at $4,550 for 7 days new mothers will receive the following treatment and be able to shed the baby weight fast.

First of all, if you are an expectant dad and planning to spend $4,550 on a push present, I strongly suggest you spend it on jewelry.

But more importantly, you do not give a pregnant or recently pregnant woman anything that may call attention to her weight, her body, or having anything to do with weight loss!

I might have some experience in these matters. I might have once given a Wii Fit to a pregnant woman for her birthday after she told me she wanted one. I might still be paying the consequences for that colossal mistake.

If I had to describe my days in one word it would be: non-stop. Every day is a continuous flow of doing one thing immediately followed by another. There is no break. No time to think. Organization, planning and logistics are paramount, which does not bode well for me since none of those are my strong suit, but luckily SuburbanMommy excels at them.

My day starts shortly after 5 am. Not because I am naturally a morning person, but because Thing 4 wakes me up. And on those rare days when she does “sleep in” until 6, Things 1 & 2 wake up at 5:30 to have an argument about which Wii Mario Brothers world they last played. In truth, I have been woken up that early for so many years now, I don’t think I could sleep past 6 o’clock even if I were to wake up on my own.

Hmm…waking up on my own…to quiet…sounds wonderful. Sorry, I got distracted by a daydream for a second. Speaking of getting distracted, that happens often during my day. I’m working on one or two or ten things at the same time when something comes to the top of my attention and I completely forget whatever I was doing. Now back to my day.

My first order of business is to get all 4 kids awake, breakfast, dressed, and ready for school/camp/daycare while SuburbanMommy is getting dressed and ready for work. Each kid has their routine that I need to cater to. Thing 1 bounces out of bed and is ready in no time. Thing 2 will take forever to get dressed because he likes to watch himself dance naked in front of the mirror (seriously). Thing 3 must have his milk as soon as he gets up or else, and it’s best if he picks out his own clothes. Trust me. Thing 4 can’t wait to put her shoes on. Then there are all the things I need to remember for them that day: field trip permission slips, special lunch items, show and share day, out of diapers, change of clothes. Finally we get all the kids loaded into the car around 7:15, I wave goodbye, and I take a deep breadth.

Now I can start thinking about what I need to do today. But first, there is a good deal of cleanup following the disaster that is 4 kids eating breakfast and running around the house for an hour. Remember when I said there is no downtime? I lied. At this point I take 10 minutes to eat a bowl of cereal or two, drink tea, and watch the Today Show. Don’t tell my wife. OK, break time over. Time for me to shower and get to “work”. I mockingly call what I do at an office work because it’s pretty easy compared to my time away from the office.

But it’s not like I spend an uninterrupted block of time at the office. No, I’m constantly shifting between office and home tasks. Parent teacher conferences, doctor appointments, or, what I did today was take the minivan to the dealer because some parts were recalled and we’re about to take a long drive to the beach so probably should have that taken care of. That’s actually where I am right now writing this post. You didn’t think I get time set aside for blogging, did you? I almost always write blog posts while doing something else.

Today I need to leave the office at 4:30 to take Thing 4 to a swim meet. This is where logistics comes into play. There are only two of us and four of them. Sometimes I need to be in more than one place at the same time in order for them to attend all their activities. In those instances, you just need to pick and choose and sometimes they don’t get to attend. I suppose that sucks for them but it’s just the way it goes when you are part of a large family.

Usually, at 6 o’clock it’s time to pick up the kids. They are at the on-site childcare where I work so it’s convenient. SuburbanMommy gets home earlier to have dinner ready for the kids when we walk in the door, because that is a sight unto itself. Imagine flipping a switch to turn on a Category 5 hurricane. That’s what it’s like to walk in the door with four tired, hungry kids who all want your attention. At the same time. It is quite stressful even if you are used to it and know it’s coming. Which is why the next thing SuburbanMommy and I do is pour a tall glass of wine for ourselves.

The next hour or two are the reverse of the morning. Dinner, baths, teeth brushing, bedtime. With each kid having their own routines and quirks. Who goes to bed first. When and which book to read. Lights on or off. In the case of Thing 3, whether he is sleeping in his room or the hallway floor tonight because he is afraid of dreams. Thing 4 is the first to bed around 7:30. Not because she is ready for bed, but because we are ready for her to go to bed. It takes about an hour to get the rest of the crew through the nightly ritual.

Now it’s 8:30, time for me to eat my dinner hopefully in quiet unless someone comes out of their room needing a drink, or scared of something, or fighting with someone. Then it’s one more round of cleanup and organization for the next day before collapsing into bed, only to wake up some hours later to do it all again.

That about sums it up. If you have kids it probably sounds familiar. If you don’t have kids it probably frightens you. At least now you know.

There are lots of reasons why McDonalds has sold a gazillion burgers. It’s cheap, quick, and kids love it. The marketing tie in with Rio the movie was a huge hit.

But now I’m regretting my food decision. Sure it’s not the healthiest choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s see how you manage an evening with 4 Things on your own, and what you serve them.

That’s not why I regret it. The real reason to avoid fast food is the smell it leaves in your car after hauling 4 happy meals home. I know the smell will still be there in the morning to make me nauseous. I should have gone with the pizza. One word: delivery.

Then there is the dreaded stuff that has a million pieces which are scattered throughout the house by Thing 3 and Thing 4 and never to be found again, rendering the game/toy/puzzle useless. If you are one of our beloved friends or family who gave one of these gems, thanks, and expect payback someday when you have kids.

And while we’re on that subject, please, please don’t get us any more toys which make constant, loud, annoying, impossible to shut off, noises. These toys will have the batteries removed by the anti-Santa. Haven’t heard of him? He’s the guy who comes at night after the kids are asleep and removes batteries.

The worst part of all the new stuff each year is finding where to put all of it. It’s not like we had all this extra room a week ago. Drawers, shelves, and buckets are already filled to the brim with stuff. And now we have all this new stuff to find room for, most of which is crap, junk, broken, or forgotten already.

I’m considering a new “zero sum” Santa policy next year. For every present he gives he also takes an old one away of equal size. So you better be careful about how many things you ask for.

Now I’m ready to reveal the secrets to potty training.  Follow these easy steps and your life will be so much easier and your child will be using the potty someday.

Don’t Start Too Early
Everyone wants their kid to be potty trained as soon as possible. Diapers are a pain and expensive. They won’t let your kid into preschool unless they are out of diapers. So it’s understandable that parents sometimes push their kids before they are ready. Don’t do it. Especially if your kid has the slightest stubborn streak. There will be screaming, crying, frustration, and a lot of pee on the carpet.

Don’t Take It Too Seriously
Many parts of parenting are important and should be taken seriously. Your child’s education. Teaching them not to talk to strangers. Applying to college. Potty training is not one of them. In hindsight, most of what happens during potty training will seem very funny. Just have a look at some of my potty experiences so far. If you aren’t laughing now while cleaning the poop off the floor, you will later.

It Will Happen When It Happens
This is without a doubt the most important secret I have discovered. Being able to use the potty is a stage of physical development. Just like crawling, walking, and talking. Despite what some people think, you cannot change when these milestones are reached. It just happens and you are along for the ride. So it is with potty training. Have you ever heard of someone who never learned to go potty?  I didn’t think so.   It will happen, probably by the time they start kindergarten, no matter how much or how little you do to help or hurt it. So stop worrying about it, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

Note: I am a paid Pull-Ups Potty Training Partner

After living through this each of the last 6 years, I can confirm that babies will still wake up at the same time no matter what. In Thing 4’s case, that means we were up at 4:30am today instead of 5:30am. At that hour there are far fewer options on TV other than infomercials.

Most stuff is pretty much the same, so far, with a girl as it was with the boys. I know this will change soon enough. But there have been some differences already.

Girls get a lot more gifts, especially clothes. We have already filled all her drawers and closet with clothes from family, friends, neighbors, and people we’ve never met before.

Girls don’t pee all over you and the wall when you change their diaper.

Girls need to have some pink on them at all times. Blankets, bibs, and clothes which are gender neutral colors like white or green or yellow, and were perfectly good for 3 boys, all need to be replaced with new ones which have pink on them.

What else am I in for with a girl?

Now that Thing 4 has finally arrived and I have a full 24 hours under my belt as a father of four (wow! first time I’ve said those words), I will try to explain how I’m able to rationalize and keep my sanity. This will be another case of taking the long way home.

The first kid is a shock to the system. It turns your world upside down. Everything you want to do for yourself – watch a football game, go out to happy hour, go to the gym, hobbies – takes a backseat and it’s all about what, when, and where the kid needs to be.

With the second kid, what little of your own time you managed to carve out with one kid, is pretty much gone. People like to say you can still play a “zone defense”. But the way I see it, if you have one kid or two with you, you’re still not playing golf that day.

I attended a friend’s wedding some 10 years ago. It was an outdoor wedding, but there was a good chance for rain so they put a tent up just in case. Nobody wants rain on their wedding day but the show must go on. As we’re all sitting under the tent it began to rain, then pour, then a Noah’s Ark level deluge. At first, people tried to stay dry. They tiptoed around the puddles which were forming. The bridesmaids tried not to drag their dresses through the mud.

But then, as the reality of the situation set it, and people were already wet, and with a few cocktails in them, everyone started to not care so much about stepping in the water. Before long, everyone was splashing and dancing in the water, and standing outside the tent in the middle of the biggest downpour you can imagine. Once you are already soaking wet, what’s the point in fighting it? You may as well just sit back and enjoy it. It turned out to be one of the best weddings ever, even if SuburbanMommy did throw up in the street later that night.

Once you have more than one kid, your life is pretty much constant chaos, especially while they are still little. You are either dealing with one or more kids, at work, or sleeping. There isn’t room for much else. Adding one or two more kids won’t really change it that much. You are already wet. Just step out of the tent and enjoy yourself.

Well, in the world of parenting, unfortunately, there are no sick days.

I’m entering day 3 of the worst cough, sore throat, headache, congestion you can imagine. Yesterday I was able to take a sick day at work.

But there was no sick day from parenting. I still had to get the Things dressed, fed, and take them to school. In the afternoon, I still had to do 3 separate art projects in 3 different classrooms as part of Parents Appreciation Week because I committed to it before I got sick. I still had to do a triple bath night, and a Lego project with Thing 3 I had promised him for Friday night because I wasn’t able to be at his Parents Appreciation event because the school scheduled all three at the same time.

Parents Appreciation Week? That’s when the preschool schedules a week’s worth of activities for you with your kids when they’d otherwise be far away at school.

Now today is Saturday and it’s more of the same. But it’s the weekend, you say? Time to get some rest?

In my world, there is another reality which is, There Is No Resting On Weekends.

Before moving in together, Thing 1 and Thing 2 had different personalities, routines, and interests. Thing 1 liked to recite sports statistics, go to sleep early with the lights off, and he was generally serious and reserved. Thing 2 liked imagination play, regularly having conversations with his dragons and toys for a good hour in his bed before finally falling asleep with the lights on.

From what I’ve seen in just a few weeks each is becoming more like the other. It’s like instead of a Thing 1 and Thing 2, we now have two Thing One-And-A-Half’s. Some of this merging into Thing 1.5 has been a good influence. Thing 2 is now more interested in reading, sports (good for me), and other interests and abilities like his big brother. And Thing 1 has become more imaginative and shows a sillier side. Surprisingly, they have become even more inseparable. I honestly don’t know how they don’t get tired of each other.

But, we also have a spreading of the not so good habits. They now both stay up late and play in their room to the point where we need to go up at least 3 times a night to tell them to quiet down and go to sleep. What used to be a very organized and orderly bedroom under just the management of Thing 1, has evolved into the just put everything on the floor system favored by Thing 2.

All in all, it’s been a net positive outcome. Which I have to say was an unexpected, very pleasant surprise.