SuburbanDaddy

Thing 1: Would a dog be a good pet?
SuburbanMommy: Yes
Thing 1: Would a cat be a good pet?
SuburbanMommy: Yes, a cat is a good pet
Thing 1: Would a whale shark be a good pet?
SuburbanMommy: Probably not
Thing 2: An Oreo is a good pet!

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[after a successful potty attempt]
Thing 1: Going poopie helps your penis get bigger
SuburbanDaddy: What?!
Thing 1: When your penis goes up, the poopie comes down
SuburbanDaddy: Where did you hear that?
Thing 1: From you, daddy

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[Car passes us while driving]
Thing 1: Daddy, why are you driving so slow?
SuburbanDaddy: I’m not driving slow. He’s driving fast.
Thing 1: The policeman will stop him and give him a timeout. That’s what happens when you go too fast.
[thinks for a little bit]
Thing 1: Do race cars get timeouts?

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New parents learn very quickly that late night TV, and especially early morning, sucks. I’m writing this at 5:45am, after watching the end of what could be the worst movie ever made – Staying Alive. It’s the sequel to a very good movie, but they should have known it was off to a [...]

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When Thing 1 and Thing 2 are in hyper-mode, like after they’ve had a bowl of ice cream and we’re trying to get them to bed, it’s near impossible to calm them down. Sometimes, I play a game where I tell them to give me their “sillies”, and I pretend to put them in [...]

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